All Companies Merge


Electronic Internet News

by Jimmy Guthrie, EIN Staff Writer

ic2.jpg In a landmark 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the United Nations' and the FTC's approval of the merger of all businesses, public and private. The Company, as it is now called, began as the planned convergence of Microsoft, GE, Cisco Systems, Intel, IBM, AOL Time Warner, McDonald's, and Daimler-Chrysler. It gradually began to attract more and more companies, due to the tremendous synergies created by such a merger. The list of companies now includes "any and all entities which conduct business in and around the planet Earth", according to The Company's charter.

The Company, which will trade on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol STOCK, is now the only stock on the exchange. In fact, The Company owns the NYSE. There will no longer be a need for the NASDAQ or AMEX exchanges. All previous shareholders of stocks will receive one share of Company stock for each dollar in value of the former stock. Shares of Company stock will be distributed in the form of dollar bills. "Money" and "stock" are now the same thing, as The Company also controls its subsidiary, The Government.

Advantages of the newly merged Company include the elimination of competition, which can be a significant drag to profits. Other expenses which will be drastically reduced include advertising, customer service, research & development, and quality & safety testing. The Company will reduce unnecessary costs to benefit our shareholder-customers. The Company is Good!

All restaurants and grocery stores will now be known as "Food Store". Selection will be determined by Management for the benefit of All. In the "Car" division of The Company, there will be 3 models available: Sedan, Sporty, and SUV. Through the streamlining of business, and the elimination of excess choices, The Company will excel in all fields of business.

The purpose of The Company is to make all of our lives better. Just as you may have rejoiced in the past when the baseball team you cheer for won the World Series, a loved one got married, or you watched a particularly good television program, so should you rejoice now. You will still be able to enjoy your favorite things, like hot coffee, auto racing, and sexual intercourse. Only now, The Company will help you decide when and where to enjoy them.

You now work for The Company. Your paycheck will be deposited into your Company account, from which all your expenses will be automatically deducted. All education and career choices will be decided by The Company for the benefit of All. If you previously owned a small business, Management will determine your new role in Company structure. If a Company official does not come by your house with your orders in the next 24 hours, please report to your designated Placement Center at 8 am tomorrow (see attached list).

You may notice a large electro-magnetic Orb being placed in the center of all major Population Centers. Do not be alarmed. Its gentle pulsing will become comforting to you. As your heart begins to beat in unison with the Orb's perfect rhythm, you will become more productive. If you are unable to contact friends or loved ones, do not worry. They have simply been repurposed for the common Good.

That is all.

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