U.S. Surgeon General David Satcher said today that although smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, and other diseases, smoking is cool. Addressing reporters from a D.C. area pool hall, Dr. Satcher voiced what many have believed for years. "I'm not saying it's good for you," muttered the Surgeon, a Marlboro red dangling from his lip, "but what is? Something's gonna kill you eventually, so I say if it looks cool, do it!"

The grandfather of 12 appeared tough, yet sophisticated. "I love that crackling sound when you first light a smoke," he mused. The cigarette's ember glowed a brilliant orange as he pulled a long, slow drag, inhaling deeply the warm caramel essence. Throughout the press conference, the Surgeon General effortlessly performed all the great smoking tricks. He knows how to french inhale, blow smoke rings, and nose exhale.

"When I was a boy, we didn't know smoking was bad for you, but we knew it was cool. Now, we have educated the population about the dangers of smoking, but we have ignored the fact that people look cool when they smoke. Period. We can still put the little warning labels on the packs, but the bad ass nature of smoking will never change. And can any guy tell me a hot girl doesn't look even sexier when she's seductively sucking on a cigarette? I thought so."

Dr. Satcher called on big tobacco and the Hollywood community to cooperate in a program to re-educate Americans about the coolness of smoking. "The people of this great country deserve to know the truth," he concluded. "Smoking is cool as shit."