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Headlines
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War On Terrorism
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 Disney's Aladdin Detained On Terrorism ChargesArabic movie star Aladdin is being held by the FBI on possible terrorist charges. Aladdin, a.k.a. Prince Ali Ababwa, was taken into Federal custody along with his wife Jasmine, and monkey Abu. The FBI crime lab is also performing tests on the magic carpet the trio were riding when they were apprehended.
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Family News
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 Mommy Is Not In The Mood For Your WhiningIt came as no surprise to the handful of onlookers at Wal-Mart today that Mommy is not in the mood for your whining. The whining, which began as a request for a Princess Barbie, progressed into a shrill, repetitive howl within minutes. Witnesses report that Mommy first attempted to reason with you, but became increasingly irritated with the unceasing squall emanating from your little lungs. Click for full story.
Editorial
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 My Wife Doesn't Think I'm Funny Anymore
by Mike Schatz
I've suspected it for a while, but now I am sure of it. My wife doesn't think I'm funny anymore. We were eating dinner last night and I made a little joke about how I knew the rolls were old because I bought them on the same day that we'd last had sex. I wasn't expecting a standing ovation or anything, but after looking down at her plate for a minute, she looked up at me and said very sarcastically, "good one". Click for full story.
Copyright 2001 Electronic Internet News
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Short Stories
Rock Band Anthrax Changes Name To Chicken Pox
In light of the recent threats of biological terrorist attacks, thrash rock band Anthrax is changing its name. "We never thought the day would come that our name would actually mean what it really means," says lead singer Scott Ian. "When we named our band after a deadly disease, we didn't think people would actually ever get the disease. Don't get me wrong, we're into death, but the kind of death that only exists on blacklight posters and comic books. As Chicken Pox, we'll still be the same tough, metal band. But ours is now a story of survival, not death. Every member of the band has had chicken pox and lived to tell about it. See this scar on my forehead? I used to tell people my stepfather burned me with a cigarette. It's really a giant chicken pox scar."
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Bush Vows To Bomb Afghanistan Back To Whatever Was Before The Stone Age
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush has made one of his boldest threats yet to Afghanistan's Taliban regime. As bombs continue to fall on the battered nation, the President made clear that he planned to bomb the harborers of terrorism back to "whatever was before the stone age."
Making the point that most of Afghanistan already exists in a stone-age-like standard of living, Bush promised to take them yet one step further back on the evolutionary time line. "You're gonna wish you had a rock to dig for grubs in the desert, or one of those Fred Flintstone tunics to wear, but you won't even have that. It's just going to be like some kind of primordial soup or something."
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