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Headlines
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Company News
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 That Guy In Outside Sales Still Getting Laughs With "My Ass" JokesJust when you thought the gag had gotten a little old, Gary Martin, that guy in outside sales that sometimes comes to the staff meetings, got another big laugh with his "my ass" routine. This time he recited the company slogan, replacing "the world" with his familiar collocation. The room erupted as he quipped, "GloboChem. A new way of looking at my ass." Click for full story.
True Dental Story
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 I've Ruined Things With My Dentist A brave tell-all by EIN Special Correspondent Mike Schatz.
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School Board Bans Chinese Fronts
Dunwoody, GA - The Fulton County School Board has created a new rule, banning the age-old practice of "Chinese fronts". For years, rather than cutting in line, students have used Chinese fronts to gain advancement in schoolyard queues. The process of Chinese fronts is simple. Say person A has a good spot in line. If person B wants to move up in line, person A gives him fronts, in exchange for person B's promise to return the favor immediately. Person A then remains in the same position he originally held in line, with person B now directly behind him. Until now, rules which clearly disallowed giving "backs", could be circumvented by the practice of Chinese fronts, which yielded the same results.
"Besides the obviously racist name, Chinese fronts is unfair to everyone in the back of the line," says Florence Whittaker, Fulton County School Superintendent. But the students disagree. "I give you fronts, you give me fronts, nobody gets hurt," retorts Woodland Elementary fifth grader Gordon Jackson. Despite their disdain for the new rule, the students will have to live with the fact that Chinese fronts is now an offense on par with running in the hall or chewing gum.
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Short Stories
Teenagers Keep Straight Face as Grandmother Says "Gay"
Raleigh, NC - Teenagers Thad and Jody Billups today managed to keep a straight face as thier grandmother, Ruth "Mee-Maw" Billups, repeatedly used the word "gay" to describe her teenage years. Mrs. Billups, who was apparently unaware of the homosexual connotation the word now carries, used such phrases as, "it was a very gay time", "my girlfriends and I were all gay", and "teenagers need to be gay sometimes".
"At first I was just in shock," says Thad Billups, age 16. "I didn't know what she was talking about. Then when I figured it out, I almost cracked up. Luckily it was at a point in the story where I was supposed to laugh anyway. From there on out, I just tried not to look at Jody, because I know we both would have lost it."
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Divorce Rate Down Since Attacks
The US divorce rate has been down sharply since September 11. It seems people are uniting not only to stand up for our country but also to stay united in marriage. The top 5 quotes from troubled couples staying together:
5) "Wow! I thought you got evil on your period"
4) "They've been holed up in those bunkers much longer than you watch football."
3) "You see dear, biological warfare is much worse than when I gave you the clap twice in college!"
2) "Honey, we can save so much money by keeping the family together. Gas masks are 4 for $100.00!"
1) "The divorce is off! Compared to terrorism, being married is just an easy old pain in the ass!"
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