SANDY SPRINGS, GA - I've suspected it for a while, but now I am sure of it. My wife doesn't think I'm funny anymore. We were eating dinner last night
and I made a little joke about how I knew the rolls were old because I
bought them on the same day that we'd last had sex. I wasn't expecting a
standing ovation or anything, but after looking down at her plate for a
minute, she looked up at me and said very sarcastically, "good one".
When we first started dating, I guess I was "on fire" as they say in the
comedy world. I remember the two of us driving in the car once and I
started doing my classic "White Guy Singing Get Jiggy Wit It" routine.
I clearly remember her looking at me that day and saying, "you are soooo
I guess I was kind of caught off guard by my realization last night. I'm
still kind of shocked. Over the last few years I've built up what I thought
was a really strong body of material. My dance routine to the opening theme
of ER. The on-going "Your Mom Keeps Looking At My Ass" thing. The famous
"Your Gas Is So Bad I'm About To Pass Out" facial expressions. (Who can
forget when I put my face up against the fan after one of her bombs?)
What does she want from me, you know? I mean, it's not like I'm a
professional comedian. In these times when families need to come together
more than ever before, how can she leave me hanging like this?
How am I supposed to do my whole "Osama At McDonald's Drive Thru" routine?
I've been working on that one for two weeks. Now, I don't think I am going
to have the confidence to give it the kind of delivery it needs.
And what kind of example is she setting for the kids? Are they going to
like "Daddy's In Diapers" anymore? Not with her around they're not.
I hope she reads this. Maybe she'll realize the pressure I'm under. I'm not
some kind of T.V. sitcom you can cancel whenever you want. I'm in
syndication for the rest of your life. I'm Saved By the Bell. I'm One Day
at a Time. I'm The Jeffersons. Deal with it, Wheezie!