It's Time To Admit I Don't Understand The Crisis In The Middle East

Electronic Internet News

by Jimmy Guthrie, EIN Associate Assistant

Just days after Israeli authorities released Hezbollah member Mohamad al-Barzawi, Palestinian Information Minister Yasser Abed Rabbo announced that Palestinian security forces arrested Abdullah Alshami, leader of the Palestinian Islamic Jihad in Gaza. And I have no fucking idea what that means.

As a news reporter, it's my job to stay abreast of world events. I have been faking this Israel thing for a while now, and it's time to come clean. I'm clueless. I mean, I seriously found out like a month ago that the Israelis are Jewish and the Palestinians are Arabs. And I'm not even 100% sure if that's true.

Here's what I do know. The Palestinians were given some land after World War II, and the Israelis think that land should be theirs. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm really not sure. But it's this land that's at the heart of the conflict, I think. The leader of the Palestinians is Yasser Arafat, who has been there a while, because I remember he was "Asshole Of The Month" in Hustler back in the eighties. The Israeli leader is named Ariel Sharon. Hosni Mubarak is the leader of Egypt, which I often confuse with Israel. Kind of like Vermont and New Hampshire. Or the Netherlands and Scandinavia.

I'm getting off the subject here. My point is, if anyone can fill me in on the details, without having to use a bunch of confusing, foreign-sounding names and terms, please let me know. Send your e-mail to I'll be waiting to hear from you.