ROSWELL, GA. A new scientific study has found that, after a night of hard drinking, subjects allowed to view even small amounts of good pornography were happier and more productive. This finding could very well overshadow the Jarvik-7 artificial heart, the mapping of the human genome, and the discovery of penicillin, as the most important scientific breakthrough in the last century.
The morning after consuming between ten and twelve draft beers, participants in the all-male test group were given copies of various hardcore porn magazines, including Club International, Black Tail, and Candy Girls. The control group received copies of Redbook, Highlights, and the owner's manual for a Hamilton-Beach food processor. The porn-viewers expressed signs of vim and vigor, while the control group was listless and totally unproductive. Dr. Joe LaMar said of his controversial treatment, "If it feels good, do it!" Side effects included elevated pulse, euphoria, and milky discharge.