Washington, D.C. - After months of sifting through the mounds of misinformation regarding the September 11th attacks, the White House reports to have discovered what they consider to be the chief motivating factor of Osama bin Laden and the Al Qaeda network: boredom.
White House press secretary Ari Fleisher announced the findings in his most recent press briefing. "The President and Vice President agree with reports handed down from top security advisors that these people simply had nothing better to do," reports Fleisher. The administration came to the conclusion after exhaustive interviews with captured terrorists. "We were just sitting around trying to think of something to do," says Achmel Muhammed Foley, a confessed Al Qaeda member. "And then Osama is like, Hey, we should blow some shit up! and I'm all, Cool! But there's nothing to blow up around here. And it just snowballed from there."
The U.S. reportedly had operatives on the ground in Afghanistan long before the attacks who voiced concern over escalating signs of the epidemic. Derek Goops, U.S. special forces from Sarasota, Florida, whose real name is David Elms, says, "I've been over here for about 6 months, and let me tell you, there is nothing to do. I mean, usually we get to have some fun: take advantage of failing economies, kick people around a little, blow a few things up, you know, special forces kind of stuff. But, this place is a wasteland. They consider any area of land with half a blown out building on it to be a thriving metropolis. It sucks." Derek is stationed in a mountain hideout 3.2 miles southeast of Kabul.
Other reliable sources inform us that before the attacks, many Afghani people were seen chewing on their fingernails, staring into space and touching themselves on a increasingly frequent basis. "Such blatant signs of terminal boredom should not have been overlooked," says Fleisher.
As anticipated, these new findings have created a panic on the domestic front from those fearing possible uprisings from the rural areas of Kansas and eastern Kentucky, where a slow but steady rise in loitering has been reported by area fast food managers. These initial concerns, however, have been unsubstantiated to this point.