Birdwell Island - Clifford the Big Red Dog, well known for both his
abnormally large size and unusual color, was killed in a hit and run
accident on Tuesday after being struck by what eyewitnesses are calling a
"Big Fucking Car".
The accident occurred at the intersection of Seagull Lane and Seashore Drive
at approximately 3:25 PM just outside Birdwell Optometry where Clifford could
often be seen playfully looking through the oversized eyeglasses that hung
outside the building. "He was on his way to meet his master, Emily Elizabeth," said Cleo, the well-kept, light blue poodle with a devilish side. "She was supposed to
read him a Speckle story. They were his favorite."
Charlie, the only African-American to reside on the Island, described the
accident as surreal. "He was walking down the sidewalk with this huge bone
in his mouth and the next thing you know, this Big Fucking Car totally
blindsides him. He must have flown 50 feet in the air."
Townspeople from all over Birdwell Island claimed to have felt the tremors
as his Big Red Body fell to the pavement. Traffic was backed up for several
hours as the same helicopter used to airlift Clifford into town was used to
remove his Giant Fucking Corpse.
Sheriff Brodie of the Birdwell Island Police Department says that there was
no way the person driving the Big Fucking Car could not have seen Clifford.
"It's not just that he's Big, he's Big and Red."
Services for Clifford the Big Red Dog will be held Thursday at the Birdwell
Island Funeral home. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the
Birdwell Island Animal Shelter.