Big Red Dog Hit By Big Fucking Car
Small Island Town Mourns Loss of Beloved Beagle


Electronic Internet News

by Mike Schatz, EIN Special Correspondent

Birdwell Island - Clifford the Big Red Dog, well known for both his abnormally large size and unusual color, was killed in a hit and run accident on Tuesday after being struck by what eyewitnesses are calling a "Big Fucking Car".

The accident occurred at the intersection of Seagull Lane and Seashore Drive at approximately 3:25 PM just outside Birdwell Optometry where Clifford could often be seen playfully looking through the oversized eyeglasses that hung outside the building. "He was on his way to meet his master, Emily Elizabeth," said Cleo, the well-kept, light blue poodle with a devilish side. "She was supposed to read him a Speckle story. They were his favorite."

Charlie, the only African-American to reside on the Island, described the accident as surreal. "He was walking down the sidewalk with this huge bone in his mouth and the next thing you know, this Big Fucking Car totally blindsides him. He must have flown 50 feet in the air."

Townspeople from all over Birdwell Island claimed to have felt the tremors as his Big Red Body fell to the pavement. Traffic was backed up for several hours as the same helicopter used to airlift Clifford into town was used to remove his Giant Fucking Corpse.

Sheriff Brodie of the Birdwell Island Police Department says that there was no way the person driving the Big Fucking Car could not have seen Clifford. "It's not just that he's Big, he's Big and Red."

Services for Clifford the Big Red Dog will be held Thursday at the Birdwell Island Funeral home. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Birdwell Island Animal Shelter.

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