Bedford Falls - Late last night, a drunken lunatic smashed his car into one of the oldest trees in Bedford Falls and then proceeded to run through the center of town screaming.

Yesterday afternoon, a warrant was issued for the arrest of George Bailey, of 320 Sycamore, for bank fraud. He apparently bitched out his wife, kids, and a schoolteacher, and then went on a drinking binge. After being involved in a bar fight, Mr. Bailey was offered a ride home by the bar's proprietor, Mr. Martini. Instead, Bailey groggily took the wheel of his car and drove directly into a 100 year-old oak tree. When approached by the owner of the tree, the bloody, inebriated driver fled on foot.

Bailey stumbled to the Bedford Bridge, where he was found by Officer Bert Bond of the Bedford Falls Police. "I've known George for a long time, but I have never seen him this wasted," says Officer Bond. "He was spouting off something about his mouth bleeding, and some flower petals he had in his pocket, and then he just ran away. I guess I should have gone after him." Several witnesses then saw Bailey running down main street screaming, reportedly wishing a merry Christmas to the various buildings in town.

When he arrived home, investigators were already in his house. He was able to avoid the bank fraud charges due to last-minute donations from friends. But after singing a few Christmas carols, Bailey was taken to jail and charged with drunk driving, criminal destruction of property, disturbing the peace, and jaywalking.