EIN August Archives

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World News

Bush Addresses Global Warming"Global warming is real. Temperatures will rise between 2.5 and 10.4 degrees by the end of this century, but we must do more. To achieve my ambitious goal of doubling emissions every ten years, we need to find new ways to burn coal and oil, to release their precious carbon dioxide."

New International Language ApprovedA study by the International Institute for the American Language shows that by raising the volume of one's voice, speaking slowly and deliberately, and making crude hand signals, two people of vastly different cultures can communicate effectively in English.
Nationals Lose To GlobetrottersThe New York Nationals endured a crushing 128-12 defeat to the Harlem Globetrotters Thursday night at the Leggett and Platt Athletic Center in St. Louis. The Nationals, better known as "those white guys who always lose to the Globetrotters", played a good, solid game, but were no match for the Clown Princes of Basketball.
Financial Advice
from Mrs. Van der Meer
Mrs. Rebecca Van der Meer, wife of GloboChem CEO Walter Van der Meer, is a stay-at-home mom. She and her husband are able to live on one income largely due to her financial management. In her weekly column, Mrs. Van der Meer talks with our readers about leading a happy life while living on a budget.
Surgeon General: "Smoking Is Cool."U.S. Surgeon General David Satcher said today that although smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, and other diseases, smoking is cool. "I'm not saying it's good for you," muttered the Surgeon, a Marlboro red dangling from his lip, "but what is? Something's gonna kill you eventually, so I say if it looks cool, do it!"
Men's News
Barney Promotes Unhealthy Body ImageThe producers of the children's television show "Barney & Friends" are coming under attack from men's rights groups for allegedly projecting an unhealthy body image to young boys. The protesters charge that the obese, purple dinosaur creates an unrealistic ideal figure in the minds of male children, which can lead to eating disorders.
Letters To The EditorReal letters from fake people.

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Short Stories

U.S. Achieves 100% Literacy
A recent survey has shown that all Americans are literate. The New Yorker magazine polled a random sampling of its subscribers across the nation and posed the question, "Which word best describes your intellect?"
None of the thousands of respondents chose "d", though many elected to write in their own answers, ranging from "nooscopic" to "epigrammatic".

Co-Worker Glad It's Friday
During a 5 PM walk to the parking deck, employee Daren Platt revealed to co-worker Ben Easton that he is "glad it's Friday." During the brief conversation, Platt also indicated that he has not been up to much, has been working hard, and has been staying pretty busy. He is glad this week is over. When questioned about his weekend plans, Platt became vague, saying that he has a "few things to take care of around the house", and that he plans to "take it easy".

New HOV Lane
In an effort to control the epidemic growth of traffic in the metro Atlanta area, the Georgia Department Of Transportation has designated another special multi-passenger car lane. The #8 lane will now designate passenger cars with no less than 8 occupants. In addition, all riding in this lane will be exempt from state seat belt laws, as well as federal immigration statutes. Pickup trucks and El Caminos are expected to be among those who benefit from the new law. When you hear #8, you might think of one beef taco, one buritto, and a chalupa, but now it's a lane on the throughway! "If you don't have 8 then don't participate!"

New Photo Of JFK Jr.'s Foot
EIN has obtained this never before seen photo of the late JFK Jr.'s foot. The photo was taken shortly after America's Crown Prince sprained his ankle at a lacrosse match in 1992. Since John John's tragic death, there has been a constant push by the tabloids to find previously unpublished photos of the Heir To Camelot. We believe this to be the only existing pedal close-up of the man who was once the country's most eligible bachelor.

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